I tested on Friday--Big Fat Negative. Sigh. I was only 11dpo, and I know that's early and there is a chance I could still get a positive this cycle (as long as I don't have my period there is a chance) but I'm really not feeling it anymore. I'm 13dpo right now and thought I would re-test today, but I don't think I will. I have no real desire to do so. Plus, my temp has been down a little the last two days (not a lot--from 98.8 to 98.6) but I'm really crampy and my boobs are starting to hurt--sure signs that af is on the way. I think I will test again on Tuesday if my period doesn't start by then. But my luteal phase is normally 12 days, so I expect it to be here today or tomorrow. Hopefully she's at least nice to me this month. Last month was bad.
So, we've decided to do Clomid. I'm going to call tomorrow to get the prescription called in and find out what kind of monitoring I'll be under, if any. I don't think my doctor monitors for the first couple of cycles. I'm pretty sure he'll just have me do 50mg days 3-7 and then if I don't get pregnant, we'll bump it up to 100mg the next cycle (that seems to be the standard). After that, we might start monitoring to see what the ol' ovaries are up to during the cycle. The crappy thing with endo is that it's possible that Clomid can make it grow back faster. I have a mild case, so hopefully it's not a problem.
I think I've figured out why I keep putting off the Clomid. He told me in July he would call it in, but because of the blocked tube, there was no way to be sure of the results. So I decided to wait to have the tube fixed. Then, in September, we got the tube fixed, the endo diagnosed and cauterized, and felt so optimistic. The plan was to wait until 2010 to go for the Clomid. But now? the real reason I'm putting it off until 2010 is that I'm afraid it won't work. If it doesn't work, then what? Then we try IUI. What if that doesn't work? IVF? We've already decided that's further than we want to go. So it's scary. It's like we're checking off things that don't work. And the more we check off, the less we have left. So yes, I haven't started Clomid yet because I'm afraid of it.
Hazen has been confident this entire 19 (almost 20!!!) months. He keeps telling me not to worry so much about it, that it will happen. This cycle, I felt so sure it was "it" that I blabbed it to him. So when I tested, we were both crushed. For the first time, he was willing to talk about it, and he's scared, too. I feel bad for dragging him into my madness. Yesterday he asked me how much infertility Tricare (military insurance) covers. I asked him if he was starting to worry that we weren't going to be able to get pregnant and he said "I don't know. Maybe". So my rock is starting to crumble, and I'm partially to blame. Sucks.
And I was just saying that I'm too "new" in the infertility thing to fit in there and too far into it to fit in with the normal "FINALLY after four months I'm pregnant!!" girls (yes, they say that...finally. Psssh). But we're heading into month 20 in a week. I'm starting to fit more into the infertility group than I wanted to.
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Dear sweet cousin,
ReplyDeleteDON'T be so down! In reality, you've only been trying for ONE month. Before that, there was a medical reason why you couldn't conceive, so that time didn't count. It was something out of your control. Now that it has been fixed, and you're more "normal" than you've ever been, you've only been trying for ONE month. It can take a very fertile normal couple--with NO problems whatsoever--FOUR months or more to conceive. So, you MUST think more positively. If after 4-6 months of being NORMAL you don't conceive, then maybe you can start to go crazy. But NOT YET!!!
It just feels like you've been trying for so long. I understand. But you MUST take one day at a time and relax and breathe. Your stress about conceiving is doing more to hinder your success than anything else right now. So get a massage, borrow some intense novels and put your energy into loving yourself and the baby will come.
I LOVE YOU!!!!
Thank you so much for that! I think I really needed it! I'm nervous because they like you pregnant within 6 months of having endo surgically removed...it'll be three months already on Dec 11. I know the stress isn't helping at all, it's just starting to get to me. And I'm likely PMSing, so I'm sure that's not helping!!
ReplyDeleteThank you--you've put it in perspective and you are totally right.