I'm a tiny bit bummed, but mostly okay

My third friend is pregnant and having a baby before I even get pregnant. All three of them started trying after we did, too. One of them, my beautiful sister-in-law, even had twins. There is a girl on one of my TTC message boards that is 22 weeks pregnant. A couple of weeks before she got her positive, I had those three nasty false positives on the blue Equates. If those had been real, I'd be 24 weeks and we'd know what we were having!

I feel optimistic for the coming cycles, I really do. But it's still hard to watch person after person get pregnant AND deliver after we've been trying so long. And the crazy thing is that 18 1/2 months is NOT a very long time in the infertile world. I've been trying too long to fit in with the fertile people and not quite long enough to fit in with the infertile people. I really don't want to have to try any longer though. Really, this has been long enough!

I did go ahead and try the 160mg of soy again. I used it from days 2-6, so if it has the same effect as a year ago, I should ovulate around CD 16, so in a week. We're bd'ing (baby dancing, lol) every other day. That should mean bd the day before o which is when I believe I got pregnant with Ian. I might cheat and bd the day of o also. If it actually happens on day 16, it won't hurt to get a couple extra in there. It's not like I need them saved up for after o, KWIM?

I'm also taking Evening Primrose Oil from the start of the cycle to ovulation. It's supposed to help with CM production (and it seems to be doing it's job!) and also supposed to help with my cramps. I hope it works!

We did make a decision--no IVF. I can't do it. Morally I just don't know how I feel about it. I don't fault others for doing it, but I just don't think I can. I do believe that all those fertilized embryos are babies. And I couldn't be faced with the possibility of selective reduction. I think that is the absolute worst thing. To try so hard, to spend so much, and then to CHOOSE to abort one or more babies? My personal opinion is that if you're going to implant more than one embryo, you had better be able to handle the consequences. Reducing is so cruel. It makes my tummy hurt.

So, yes. No IVF. We will try IUI if it comes to that, but we won't go any further. If I don't get pregnant in the next year or so, once we're more settled we will start to pursue adoption. We want to adopt regardless, so we're okay with going that route. I just hate the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn again (we wouldn't likely adopt a baby--we'd like to adopt siblings or other hard to place children). But that's my selfishness, and I just need to get past it.

So it will be fine. We'll get pregnant soon. And all the pregnancies and births before mine won't matter. The goal is to have a baby, not necessarily to have one first. And if we don't have a baby, that's okay, too. A house full of happy kids is really all I want. Doesn't matter how they get there.

New cycle!

Well, the witch showed. I'm totally okay with it, though. I had a 13 day lp, which I've never had, and I didn't have cramping for a week prior like I have in the past. I think that was probably one of my endometriosis pains that I saw as "normal". When you feel like that every month for years, you really don't consider that it might not be something that you should be feeling! The cramping from my period itself was BAD, the worst it's been since before Ian was born. But I've read the first 2 or 3 after the surgery will be like that, so I'm not too concerned. The flow is much less than "normal", too, which is really awesome.

So, I'm onto the next cycle. I'm going to try soy isoflavones once more since it did make me ovulate early 2 of the 3 times I took it (and the third time was my fault...I upped my dose and didn't ovulate until day 24). I'll probably make an appointment with my doctor this month to discuss Clomid for next cycle, too. We'll see what I decide to do.

Hazen is supposed to do his repeat semen analysis today...let's see if he sticks to it!

More negatives

Yesterday and today I had super faint lines on my "ICs". Today's was darker than yesterdays and my temperature shot up today so I went ahead and bought some Clear Blue digitals--negative. If my temp is still up tomorrow (my luteal phase is between 10 and 12 days...tomorrow will be day 13), I will test with one of my ICs and another digital. I'm really not expecting too much at this point, though. I know I'm still technically "early" but since I had positives with Ian 2 days earlier...eh.

There is always next month, right? ;)

Driving myself crazy

I tested yesterday--negative. I was only 10 days past ovulation, but I had a positive digital test with Ian at 10dpo, so I thought I'd give it a try. I have that big dip at 8dpo, and my temps have been staying up the last few days. I had some serious cramping last night and thought my period was coming, but nothing has happened and my temp is still up.

I'll test again at lunch. I ordered 25 "internet cheapies" (pregnancy test strips) a couple of months ago and have 12 left. I should hold off until at least tomorrow, but I can't. I asked Hazen to hide them from me last week and he apparently forgot because they are still right where I left them. I don't plan to remind him...at least not until next month. ;)

My chart is messing with me

I can't be pregnant. I mean, really, the odds are so minimal. Unprotected sex 4 and 5 days before ovulation, protected the day before, and unprotected the day after. It's SO unlikely. But the first week after ovulating my temps have been almost completely flat, hovering right around 98.3 (with one temp of 98.2). I thought my thermometer was dying. Then today, I wake up and my temp is 97.9! HUGE dip, well below my coverline. I know this doesn't necessarily mean anything, but now I'm hoping it's an "implantation dip". I'm so anxious to see what my temp does tomorrow, it's ridiculous. I'm only 8 days past ovulation. Too early for my period to be coming (even for me, it's too early) so I'm sure the temp dip isn't from that. I was having a lot of cramping yesterday, but with endometriosis that's not unusual for me. I generally cramp for the entire 10-12 days between ovulation and my period.

I think I'll test on Sunday. I was going to try and hold out until Tuesday, but I really don't see that happening at this point. Sunday will be 10dpo. I had light positives with Ian at 7dpo and a positive digital at 10dpo. So that's a good day to test I have decided.

Ugh...I can't believe I do this to myself. Even when I'm sure I can't be, I convince myself that maybe I am.

This Cycle is a Bust

The plan was to "DTD" (do the deed) every other day. We got off on the week of ovulation, then with Hazen possibly going back into the Air Force, TTC (trying to concieve) was being put on hold so we USED PROTECTION on my most fertile day. Looks like I ovulated yesterday and the most recent day we had sex before that WITHOUT protection was 4 days before (we used protection the day before). It's very unlikely that anything will result from that. My only hope is that we used contraceptive film which has between a 4 and 26% failure rate, lol. How frustrating.

Oh well. Next month I'll have my cycle day three blood work done and we'll avoid that evil protection stuff. I can't believe we messed this month up so badly.