I'm a tiny bit bummed, but mostly okay

My third friend is pregnant and having a baby before I even get pregnant. All three of them started trying after we did, too. One of them, my beautiful sister-in-law, even had twins. There is a girl on one of my TTC message boards that is 22 weeks pregnant. A couple of weeks before she got her positive, I had those three nasty false positives on the blue Equates. If those had been real, I'd be 24 weeks and we'd know what we were having!

I feel optimistic for the coming cycles, I really do. But it's still hard to watch person after person get pregnant AND deliver after we've been trying so long. And the crazy thing is that 18 1/2 months is NOT a very long time in the infertile world. I've been trying too long to fit in with the fertile people and not quite long enough to fit in with the infertile people. I really don't want to have to try any longer though. Really, this has been long enough!

I did go ahead and try the 160mg of soy again. I used it from days 2-6, so if it has the same effect as a year ago, I should ovulate around CD 16, so in a week. We're bd'ing (baby dancing, lol) every other day. That should mean bd the day before o which is when I believe I got pregnant with Ian. I might cheat and bd the day of o also. If it actually happens on day 16, it won't hurt to get a couple extra in there. It's not like I need them saved up for after o, KWIM?

I'm also taking Evening Primrose Oil from the start of the cycle to ovulation. It's supposed to help with CM production (and it seems to be doing it's job!) and also supposed to help with my cramps. I hope it works!

We did make a decision--no IVF. I can't do it. Morally I just don't know how I feel about it. I don't fault others for doing it, but I just don't think I can. I do believe that all those fertilized embryos are babies. And I couldn't be faced with the possibility of selective reduction. I think that is the absolute worst thing. To try so hard, to spend so much, and then to CHOOSE to abort one or more babies? My personal opinion is that if you're going to implant more than one embryo, you had better be able to handle the consequences. Reducing is so cruel. It makes my tummy hurt.

So, yes. No IVF. We will try IUI if it comes to that, but we won't go any further. If I don't get pregnant in the next year or so, once we're more settled we will start to pursue adoption. We want to adopt regardless, so we're okay with going that route. I just hate the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn again (we wouldn't likely adopt a baby--we'd like to adopt siblings or other hard to place children). But that's my selfishness, and I just need to get past it.

So it will be fine. We'll get pregnant soon. And all the pregnancies and births before mine won't matter. The goal is to have a baby, not necessarily to have one first. And if we don't have a baby, that's okay, too. A house full of happy kids is really all I want. Doesn't matter how they get there.