My period showed last night. I had a 40 day cycle with only a 10 day luteal phase. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I couldn't help getting my hopes up anyway. The odds of getting pregnant with two healthy tubes are only about 20-25% in any given cycle...with a hydrosalpinx tube, the odds are less than half of that. It just sucks.
I'm not going to use Clomid. I read an article that suggests Clomid can actually make the hydro worse due to the super stimulated ovaries. I'm not sure how true that is, but I would really rather not make things worse if I can help it. So I will chart until ovulation is confirmed, and then put away the thermometer. I get too obsessive about my 2ww temps to the point that sleeping is difficult which then makes my temps less accurate...it's dumb and there is no reason to do that to myself.
I just have to stay optimistic--someday I WILL have another baby!!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Attempting to be positive today
I woke up bright and early today, before my alarm even went off. I went ahead and got out of bed so I could get to work early (I was an hour late yesterday, so figured I should be an hour early today). My temperature was down quite a bit, though, so that makes me think that my period is coming. I'm really hoping not, I think I'm only 9dpo, but I'm preparing myself for it just in case.
So I got out of bed feeling pretty bummed out and feeling really sorry for myself. It's so easy to let the "whys" go through your head, and there is just really no reason to think that way. Not everything is easy for everyone...it's life. There are always reasons for the challenges, sometimes we just need to take a step back and relax and try to see it. It's not always obvious, but it's all just making us stronger.
So, after my five-minute pity party I went ahead and got up. I did my makeup and my hair this morning, and I decided on one of my favorite outfits. If I feel like I look good, I feel better. And it's honestly working.
Now I'm going to sit down and write out a to-do list and spend my day getting my work done as opposed to spending my day feeling sorry for myself or obsessing about whether or not I may or may not be pregnant. This crappy attitude needs to stop!
So I got out of bed feeling pretty bummed out and feeling really sorry for myself. It's so easy to let the "whys" go through your head, and there is just really no reason to think that way. Not everything is easy for everyone...it's life. There are always reasons for the challenges, sometimes we just need to take a step back and relax and try to see it. It's not always obvious, but it's all just making us stronger.
So, after my five-minute pity party I went ahead and got up. I did my makeup and my hair this morning, and I decided on one of my favorite outfits. If I feel like I look good, I feel better. And it's honestly working.
Now I'm going to sit down and write out a to-do list and spend my day getting my work done as opposed to spending my day feeling sorry for myself or obsessing about whether or not I may or may not be pregnant. This crappy attitude needs to stop!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Trying hard to keep things in perspective
So, after being sure that I don't want to bother with the Clomid for right now, I'm re-thinking my stance. Our plan was to try naturally for a couple of months and then do a repeat SA here at St. Pete's rather than going to Missoula. But now I'm thinking, why not try the Clomid for two months? We aren't doing anything drastic yet, what could it hurt? Hazen doesn't want to. We're going to sit down and discuss it tomorrow.
I am a very fortunate person. On the way to work this morning, Martina McBride's song "Blessed" came on. It's basically about taking the time everyday to look at the gifts in our lives and appreciate them. I try to do this, but when I get bad news or don't get my way, it's so much easier to focus on what I want and can't have than to appreciate the good in my life. I have a husband that I will stick by no matter what; and he'll do the same. I have a little boy who has just turned three that makes me laugh EVERY DAY. I have a roof over my head, I have a job (I might not want to work, but at least I have that ability...not everyone does). I have it so good.
I always thought I would never do in-vitro. For one, I don't know morally how I feel about it. I believe that life begins at conception. What if we get lots of embryos and I have to decide what to do with the rest? I couldn't give them up for research (they'd be my babies) and I don't think I could donate them either. I'd hate the idea of my children running around and not knowing them. And then on top of that, rather than spend the money on that, I'd rather adopt. We plan to adopt anyway; I'd like to adopt some harder to place older children or siblings or something. I don't know if in-vitro will be our only option, but now that I'm faced with that possibility...I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish, but the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn in the house again is very painful. I guess this is all something that I will have to work through.
And now I know that I'm practically infertile right now, but my stinkin' chart is looking fantastic and giving me hope that I don't want to have. I thought the urge to take tests would go away, but I'm already sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to get my "fix" of tests. Sigh.
I am a very fortunate person. On the way to work this morning, Martina McBride's song "Blessed" came on. It's basically about taking the time everyday to look at the gifts in our lives and appreciate them. I try to do this, but when I get bad news or don't get my way, it's so much easier to focus on what I want and can't have than to appreciate the good in my life. I have a husband that I will stick by no matter what; and he'll do the same. I have a little boy who has just turned three that makes me laugh EVERY DAY. I have a roof over my head, I have a job (I might not want to work, but at least I have that ability...not everyone does). I have it so good.
I always thought I would never do in-vitro. For one, I don't know morally how I feel about it. I believe that life begins at conception. What if we get lots of embryos and I have to decide what to do with the rest? I couldn't give them up for research (they'd be my babies) and I don't think I could donate them either. I'd hate the idea of my children running around and not knowing them. And then on top of that, rather than spend the money on that, I'd rather adopt. We plan to adopt anyway; I'd like to adopt some harder to place older children or siblings or something. I don't know if in-vitro will be our only option, but now that I'm faced with that possibility...I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish, but the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn in the house again is very painful. I guess this is all something that I will have to work through.
And now I know that I'm practically infertile right now, but my stinkin' chart is looking fantastic and giving me hope that I don't want to have. I thought the urge to take tests would go away, but I'm already sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to get my "fix" of tests. Sigh.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Our new plan
We have decided to take it easy for the next couple of months. Since my tube isn’t further hurting my fertility, we will let it be for a little while. Since Hazen just had his SA on July 13, we’ll go ahead and wait a couple more months and just have a follow up done then. Whether we do it in Missoula or here, we’re not sure, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason to get another one done only a month later when it takes up to three months for sperm to replace itself. From what I’ve read his numbers aren’t THAT bad. They’re not ideal, but once we get the other problems fixed, I don’t doubt he can knock me up, at least eventually.
We are going to have him take zinc (helps with motility) and pycnogenol (there have been some very promising studies that this helps morphology). In one study, the pycnogenol increased motility in 99% of the men, by an average of 36%! That would put Hazen at just over 35%, which is well over the 30% threshold. If we can get the semen problem taken care of on our own, that just leaves us with my ovulation and tube, and both can be fixed. It can’t hurt to try.
With our current job situations, it just seems to make more sense to focus more on getting ourselves settled so we can afford another baby, rather than spending all our money on fertility treatments. We need to get ourselves together for the kiddo we already have before spending a fortune making another one. And we’re both okay with continuing to try on our own for a couple of months and seeing where that gets us.
We are going to have him take zinc (helps with motility) and pycnogenol (there have been some very promising studies that this helps morphology). In one study, the pycnogenol increased motility in 99% of the men, by an average of 36%! That would put Hazen at just over 35%, which is well over the 30% threshold. If we can get the semen problem taken care of on our own, that just leaves us with my ovulation and tube, and both can be fixed. It can’t hurt to try.
With our current job situations, it just seems to make more sense to focus more on getting ourselves settled so we can afford another baby, rather than spending all our money on fertility treatments. We need to get ourselves together for the kiddo we already have before spending a fortune making another one. And we’re both okay with continuing to try on our own for a couple of months and seeing where that gets us.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My follow-up appointment
I have hydrosalpinx in my left tube. You can read more about it here: http://my-hydrosalpinx.com/
My doctor is recommending that we remove it. We can try to repair it, but he said the risk of an ectopic will be much greater and the tube also won't likely be functioning. He said the fluid dilates the tube (which I could see in my HSG), and that somehow kills the thread things on the ends of the tube that catch the egg. Since my other tube is clear and open, he thinks removing the bad tube would be the best way to increase our chances.
Since Hazen's SA was not great (40% Motility, 54% Viability, 26% Morphology), we will go to Missoula and have a more comprehensive test done. That will determine how we proceed--Clomid, IUI (IntraUterine Insemination), or IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).
I asked if leaving the blocked tube for a little longer would continue to harm my fertility, and he said he is almost certain it won't do any further damage. He did put me on antibiotics just in case, but he is pretty sure that whatever infection caused the hydrosalpinx is long gone. So we will wait to remove the tube until Hazen is working.
My doctor told us we could go ahead and try Clomid for a couple of months, but that with all of our issues combined (questionable SA, hydrosalpinx, and irregular ovulation) we would probably be throwing our money away. So the plan for now is to finish up the antibiotics (which make me very sick!), do the second SA and continue to try naturally. Once Hazen has a job, we'll get more aggressive.
I'm bummed out. I suspected hydrosalpinx but actually hearing it was really hard. The only thing I can think that caused it was my first pregnancy. At 6 1/2 weeks, there was nothing seen in my uterus...I miscarried naturally, but an ectopic was never ruled out. I guess I'll never know, though.
My doctor is recommending that we remove it. We can try to repair it, but he said the risk of an ectopic will be much greater and the tube also won't likely be functioning. He said the fluid dilates the tube (which I could see in my HSG), and that somehow kills the thread things on the ends of the tube that catch the egg. Since my other tube is clear and open, he thinks removing the bad tube would be the best way to increase our chances.
Since Hazen's SA was not great (40% Motility, 54% Viability, 26% Morphology), we will go to Missoula and have a more comprehensive test done. That will determine how we proceed--Clomid, IUI (IntraUterine Insemination), or IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).
I asked if leaving the blocked tube for a little longer would continue to harm my fertility, and he said he is almost certain it won't do any further damage. He did put me on antibiotics just in case, but he is pretty sure that whatever infection caused the hydrosalpinx is long gone. So we will wait to remove the tube until Hazen is working.
My doctor told us we could go ahead and try Clomid for a couple of months, but that with all of our issues combined (questionable SA, hydrosalpinx, and irregular ovulation) we would probably be throwing our money away. So the plan for now is to finish up the antibiotics (which make me very sick!), do the second SA and continue to try naturally. Once Hazen has a job, we'll get more aggressive.
I'm bummed out. I suspected hydrosalpinx but actually hearing it was really hard. The only thing I can think that caused it was my first pregnancy. At 6 1/2 weeks, there was nothing seen in my uterus...I miscarried naturally, but an ectopic was never ruled out. I guess I'll never know, though.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tube appointment today
I have my appointment with Dr. McMahon at 4 this afternoon to discuss my and Hazen’s test results. I know he wants to remove my tube, and unfortunately, we’re not going to be able to do that right now. With Hazen being unemployed, we just can’t justify the expense of fertility treatments and surgeries, sadly. He is now looking out of the state at jobs, and that alone is going to cost us a small fortune that we just don’t have. So I suppose the plan now is to continue TTC naturally and hoping for the best. Once he’s employed, we can look into some more invasive options. This is of course assuming that whatever is wrong with my tube can’t harm my fertility any further. If it’s something that can cause worse problems if left untreated, we will find a way to afford the surgery.
I may have finally ovulated (I’m on day 31), but I’m really not certain. I had some really horrible pains last night after sex (sorry for the TMI…this is why I have moved this stuff!). I had what felt like light menstrual cramps all throughout the day, but immediately after sex they worsened to the point that I couldn’t move. It was across my entire abdomen and not localized to one side or the other, so I don’t know if it could have been ovulation cramping or not. My temperature did rise today, but that happens occasionally and isn’t sustained for very long. It would be really great if my temperature stays up and I did actually ovulate since 3 of the last 5 cycles have been anovulatory!
I may have finally ovulated (I’m on day 31), but I’m really not certain. I had some really horrible pains last night after sex (sorry for the TMI…this is why I have moved this stuff!). I had what felt like light menstrual cramps all throughout the day, but immediately after sex they worsened to the point that I couldn’t move. It was across my entire abdomen and not localized to one side or the other, so I don’t know if it could have been ovulation cramping or not. My temperature did rise today, but that happens occasionally and isn’t sustained for very long. It would be really great if my temperature stays up and I did actually ovulate since 3 of the last 5 cycles have been anovulatory!
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