Trying hard to keep things in perspective

So, after being sure that I don't want to bother with the Clomid for right now, I'm re-thinking my stance. Our plan was to try naturally for a couple of months and then do a repeat SA here at St. Pete's rather than going to Missoula. But now I'm thinking, why not try the Clomid for two months? We aren't doing anything drastic yet, what could it hurt? Hazen doesn't want to. We're going to sit down and discuss it tomorrow.

I am a very fortunate person. On the way to work this morning, Martina McBride's song "Blessed" came on. It's basically about taking the time everyday to look at the gifts in our lives and appreciate them. I try to do this, but when I get bad news or don't get my way, it's so much easier to focus on what I want and can't have than to appreciate the good in my life. I have a husband that I will stick by no matter what; and he'll do the same. I have a little boy who has just turned three that makes me laugh EVERY DAY. I have a roof over my head, I have a job (I might not want to work, but at least I have that ability...not everyone does). I have it so good.

I always thought I would never do in-vitro. For one, I don't know morally how I feel about it. I believe that life begins at conception. What if we get lots of embryos and I have to decide what to do with the rest? I couldn't give them up for research (they'd be my babies) and I don't think I could donate them either. I'd hate the idea of my children running around and not knowing them. And then on top of that, rather than spend the money on that, I'd rather adopt. We plan to adopt anyway; I'd like to adopt some harder to place older children or siblings or something. I don't know if in-vitro will be our only option, but now that I'm faced with that possibility...I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish, but the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn in the house again is very painful. I guess this is all something that I will have to work through.

And now I know that I'm practically infertile right now, but my stinkin' chart is looking fantastic and giving me hope that I don't want to have. I thought the urge to take tests would go away, but I'm already sitting here trying to figure out how I'm going to get my "fix" of tests. Sigh.